Writin' Forty

For reasons that maybe one day I'll reveal there was a time in my life when I really just didn't want to feel anything. There's probably a time where we all feel this way because it's easier; if you don't feel you don't have to process. If you don't have to process, you don't have to deal with any part of what made you feel in the first place. With everything that's going on now there's no way I could be the only one to relate to that. My way of dealing with this was to become (what I felt was like) a Spartan: a warrior who was faced with formidable challenges but soldiered on; who could handle anything and, if he showed emotions or stress about the situation, you wouldn't know of it. The idea of a Spartan seemed comforting and something I could really identity with at the time. It occurred to me recently that maybe some part of that young man in me kept some part of that Spartan mentality. The reason this occurred to me because of jiu-ji...

I often wonder why Marshawn Lynch came back to the NFL. He was reasonably healthy. He had a lot of money because unlike a lot of NFL players he didn't spend it all while he played. But most of all was this: They showed this special about him on ESPN and what Marshawn was doing after his retirement. At one point he went to Scotland. He put on a kilt. He listened to men play bagpipes. There was a scene where a few gentlemen we're playing and Marshawn was kind of doing this dance and just looked so damn happy. Like, all the hits and the coaching and the injuries was completely worth it for this moment in his life. I thought about this moment because of this past weekend. Some college buddies and I planned for years to make a trip back during the football season to meet up. We talked and talked. It never happened. But for whatever reason it never materialized until this year. I could tell you a lot of little things that happened. Conversations. Dinner. Having the privilege of...

I wonder what it is about getting older that makes you care less in a good way. I'll explain in my long, meandering way. I have always liked to sing and have since forever. But no one knew it except maybe, like, Mom and a close friend or two. I'm not saying I should have some solo career or anything like that. Hell no. I meandered from the meandering. I'd sing with friends or in my room but that was it. I worked up the courage to sing at karaoke when I was 24. It took me being completely drunk to get up in front of people and sing "Inside Out" by Eve 6. 40 year old me wonders what the fuss was about. Even if I absolutely sucked and ruined the song the people listening got what they paid for. No one's life was at stake. I just took myself way too seriously. Many people do. Once I decided to care less, things got a ton better. Even better, it makes me feel pretty good to get up and sing a song a really like and if I do a good job? Even better. If someone tel...

It occurred to me as I was getting headlocked in jiu-jitsu class that I really don't like getting headlocked. Your head is being suffocated. I know being headlocked doesn't necessarily restrict your breathing but it does restrict your ability to move. Apparently, that's something I just. Don't. Like! No sir, you can have it, it makes me panic. Then I'm mad at myself that I'm panicking. It really is a whole damn thing. AND THIS WAS JUST PRACTICE! UGH. Believe it or not this doesn't really have to do with the title of this blog. When I was getting headlocked I was reminded that in the school I'm in we practice a lot of fundamental stand-up fighting scenarios: if you meet someone out in the street and they swing on you or if you meet someone and that grab your hands and back you to the corner and what not. I'm not completely unfamiliar with stand up but I'm not very good at it and this is getting more to the point of the title of the blog. The...

I'm starting writing this at a bar in Charlotte. A friend invited me out for drinks but he's presently distracted by another friend of his who will be a groomsman in my friend's wedding in South Africa. South Africa seems like a balla place to have a wedding. Anyway... The reason this friend of a friend is proving to be a distraction is because the friend of a friend has revelaed that he's not ok. It's not really my place to say why he's not ok. But he feels that he's starting to lose grip on the things that matter in his life and he's worried that everyday things an average person might take for granted he's going to start losing. Things like driving. Maybe, things like relationships. I did offer my words of encouragement but I know that this fight isn't mine to fight. I am really struck though, not by the friend of a friend but just in general: we are all broken. Literally everyone you see is hiding some pain small or some pain severe. An...

With jiu-jitsu there is a certainty: if you get on the mats to roll, eventually you will get tapped out. There ain't a person alive who has chosen to learn the art that hasn't tapped many, many times. I tapped out yesterday. On the mats, no less. Just not the conventional way. This new school I'm in, man. I knew coming in that a school being run by a black belt was going to be run differently than a school run by a purple belt or a brown belt. How so? Well, a black belt will generally have more experience than any other person on the mat. It also means, if that black belt had been in the area a while, he's training people and those people get better as well. People who move into the area want to come where a black belt is to learn how to train. So by the time a lowly white belt such as myself comes to this established school run by a black belt who happened to be trained by a person who is basically a founding father of jiu-jitsu? You are gonna get WORKED. The las...

So far in life the biggest responsibility I've had is being a base commander while in the Air Force on a small island in the middle of nowhere. I had about 250 folks to take care of. I dealt with local police as well as administration and I also dealt with another country's Air Force. It was awesome. Literally anywhere else in the world I would have worked and been called "Major". There, I was "THE Major". Now, being called a cool title is nice but it means nothing if you're not working every day to earn it; it doesn't take much for that grand title to be said sarcastically. So I worked. I went to battle in support of and alongside my people every day to reinforce to them, to reinforce to myself that I was worthy of the title I was bestowed. That was over 3 years ago, though. I suppose being a leader is like being a dad. Once you start you can't really ever turn it off again. I see so many things happening now and it makes me feel sad and h...