One of those months

 Yeah, I didn’t get purple belt in jiujitsu. The promotion ceremony was on the 16th; the test for it was on the 9th; I was told on the 11th that I would not be receiving the belt. 

Was I disappointed? Yes. I definitely did everything in my power to give myself the best opportunity to prove to my head instructor, Steve, as well as the upper belts that I belonged in those spaces but the answer I received back was no, you need more time. 

With a little bit of a smile and a little bit of a grimace, sigh.

About 2-3 minutes into my test the thing that relaxed me the most is I’d already had my mind made up that regardless of whether I receive a purple belt or not I was coming back to class the following Monday AND that I would have a lot of things to work on regardless of whether my belt was purple or if it remained blue; purple belt was and is not the destination. That made me smile and I got to work on the rest of the test. 

Got damn that thing was exhausting. Move after move. Repetition after repetition. Rinse. Repeat. MANY people watching you as you do these moves and repetitions. 

Your job is to focus on your uke (partner) and execute each move accordingly and not look at anyone else but your uke as you perform. Which can be difficult because you have to watch for space to not bump into others. You have to perform every move precisely, but not so much so that you’re hurting your partner. And you keep doing one move until you’re told to move on to the next. And there are a lot of nexts.

The same week that I took the test I received adverse feedback at work. The supervisor from 2020 who gave me nothing but positive feedback all year, as I am being passed off to a new supervisor, took a big dump on all of my accomplishments which not only placed me back at square one, so to speak, but also salted the earth with my new boss. Let’s just say that wasn’t ideal. Ok, I’ll say more: it hurt me personally because my old boss and I had history. She admitted she held animosity towards me but said she’d wiped the slate clean. I responded by producing the most work that I ever had in the last year and then she pulled the 180 on me that she did. It was a repudiation on a professional and personal level. 

It was also a lot to take in one week in that two big parts of my life where I pour a good deal of energy into I was stonewalled in one way or the other. There are some differences, though. With jiujitsu, the solution is more time and focused energy/repetitions. Purple belt will come whenever it comes. That part isn’t really up to me. Getting ready to receive it is up to me. With work? I honestly couldn’t tell you what I need to do but I have made the decision to move on within the company if I can. I’m absolutely ok with working hard for what I earn but I have to have some light at the end of the tunnel. With jiujitsu, I feel like one is there even if it’s hard to reach. With work, I feel like there is none where I presently am.

Ultimately, I have to keep moving with both and my hope is that I pour my energy into the right places and that I keep my attitude about things as positive as I can. I won’t lie, this past month has been emotionally draining and I absolutely let it get to me at times. I am grateful for friends and mentors who helped me through…I think the best way to show my gratitude is by succeeding.