A Blog For Mom

I had a hard time sleeping last night. That usually happens when something is on my mind. And while I was going through any number of things that could have been on my head this was one was easy to figure out: I was sad. And the reason it was easy to figure out is because Mom was visiting and she was about to leave. That’s a good reason to be sad.

I may have said this before in the blog, I dunno: my mom is my favorite lady on the planet. That is no sleight to my wife, by the way. She’s clearly top 2, number one in many important and special ways. But Mom is my favorite and I was reminded why on any number of times during this visit. I would listen to her talk and I would smile because I see where I get so many of mannerisms and behaviors from. I understand where my stubbornness and loyalty come from. I understand where my desire to be honest and truthful to my friends come from. I certainly have characteristics from my dad, but Mom seems to be my spirit animal in a lot of ways. 

Since I was asleep I actually got to figure out WHY I was sad too. I was sad because she was leaving and that I’m not able to see Mom on a regular basis. But the reason why that is, that’s on me. I was the son who chose to leave home and not return. At one point in my senior year of high school I told Mom, at the time out of anger at a terrible situation, that once I left Birmingham to go to college I wasn’t ever coming back. 

Mom was one of the people who dropped me off at college and while I don’t know if she knows that I this, she held it together but broke down crying in the car on the drive back from Auburn.

There was one of many times that I was leaving the house to go back to whatever Air Force assignment I was working at the time. I saw one of my aunts during this visit and as I left my aunt got emotional. I was telling this to Mom like it was so weird my aunt got emotional to see me go. Mom took me to the airport; this was at the time where you could walk to airport terminals. As I’m leaving I look at Mom’s face and she gives me a look like, get on the plane please. I’m doing what you asked and you’re not seeing me cry.

I volunteered to deploy to Afghanistan. I had to let Mom know this before I took off because if the very worst happened I didn’t want her to be mad at the Air Force; it was my choice to deploy. I still the picture she took of me when I got back, she was so happy.

I have officially been away from home more years than I’ve been away. I’ve said goodbye to Mom so many times. I have literally never given full thought about how that must have hurt her to say goodbye to me all those times, to go away and have my own adventures. I can’t regret leaving. I wouldn’t be the man I am today if it weren’t for going away.

But I now have a good reason for why I was sad. It’s easier to leave than to be the one who is left. And since Mom’s leaving me is a drop in the bucket to the times I’ve left her, I’ll be strong for that reason.

I do miss her already, though.

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