Unnecessary

I have been having this feeling recently of being…unnecessary. I guess I should explain that.

“Unnecessary” is a word that my granddad, mom’s dad, used to say when you just felt a certain way, when things just aren’t right and you can’t define why. You just know that something is off.

I could be broad and say politics are bugging me (and they are) but that’s not saying much about why I feel unnecessary right now. Especially when things are going pretty damn good right now. I set a weight goal of 235lbs by the end of September. I’m at 239 or so and it’s nowhere near September. The Longbox Crusade is growing listeners/followers as a podcast; people are really enjoying the rapport among the guys. It’s very gratifying to see that, all the guys work hard on the show but Pat and Jarrod put a lot of energy into editing the show and it’s awesome to see positive feedback. Work is going well as it can be in that I haven’t been fired and I’m learning just a bit more about the job each day. My wife hasn’t expressed a desire to kick me out of the house. So why the unnecessary feeling?

I don’t feel like I’m doing enough to help make things better in my life and others. I don’t feel like I’ve done well enough to promote my online business; it’s good product but anytime I try to sell it I feel like people will think I’m just trying to bilk them out of money. I feel like maybe I should raise a kid or two, which would throw all of my life upside down. I see my jiu-jitsu advancing, but wonder sometimes if I’m progressing at the rate I should. I don’t feel like I’m there enough for my mom, or nieces/nephews/godsons. 

I feel like I should maybe get into city affairs and possibly position myself to run for office. I feel like I have a ton of leadership ability and that’s not being realized, yet, at work. While I (hope I) have plenty of time left in my life, I feel like I’m running out of time where I can be optimally effective in doing any of this stuff…I feel if I run towards one of these vectors that I abandon all the other ones. I also feel all of this is paralysis by analysis.

I just know I want to leave this place better than I found it. I don’t think I have found the ultimate role that I will best accomplish that task. Stay tuned.

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