Spartan
For reasons that maybe one day I'll reveal there was a time in my life when I really just didn't want to feel anything. There's probably a time where we all feel this way because it's easier; if you don't feel you don't have to process. If you don't have to process, you don't have to deal with any part of what made you feel in the first place. With everything that's going on now there's no way I could be the only one to relate to that.
My way of dealing with this was to become (what I felt was like) a Spartan: a warrior who was faced with formidable challenges but soldiered on; who could handle anything and, if he showed emotions or stress about the situation, you wouldn't know of it. The idea of a Spartan seemed comforting and something I could really identity with at the time.
It occurred to me recently that maybe some part of that young man in me kept some part of that Spartan mentality. The reason this occurred to me because of jiu-jitsu and even more specifically, why I keep going to it. Why, while in the middle of some drill I find myself thinking "man, I NEED this" or we are running some drill that will cause me to fall (I do not like falling) and I never once think about leaving or saying no; I'm going to fall and get back up. I'm going to actually learn how to fall to not get injured THEN I'm gonna get back up. A part of me wants the conflict. A part of me needs the conflict.
And a part of me laughs and is surprised by that whole thing! I was a bookworm growing up and I wonder if 10 year old me would look at me now and even recognize the old man. Or if the young man who really didn't want to feel anything would look at me now and be ok with the product.
I'll never know. But I'd imagine a Spartan would only think about these things for a moment. Then they'd put back on their helmet and get back in the battle.
My way of dealing with this was to become (what I felt was like) a Spartan: a warrior who was faced with formidable challenges but soldiered on; who could handle anything and, if he showed emotions or stress about the situation, you wouldn't know of it. The idea of a Spartan seemed comforting and something I could really identity with at the time.
It occurred to me recently that maybe some part of that young man in me kept some part of that Spartan mentality. The reason this occurred to me because of jiu-jitsu and even more specifically, why I keep going to it. Why, while in the middle of some drill I find myself thinking "man, I NEED this" or we are running some drill that will cause me to fall (I do not like falling) and I never once think about leaving or saying no; I'm going to fall and get back up. I'm going to actually learn how to fall to not get injured THEN I'm gonna get back up. A part of me wants the conflict. A part of me needs the conflict.
And a part of me laughs and is surprised by that whole thing! I was a bookworm growing up and I wonder if 10 year old me would look at me now and even recognize the old man. Or if the young man who really didn't want to feel anything would look at me now and be ok with the product.
I'll never know. But I'd imagine a Spartan would only think about these things for a moment. Then they'd put back on their helmet and get back in the battle.
Comments
Post a Comment